Three weeks ago today I finished treatment! The girls are now back at school, so in theory I can get some more rest during the daytime. Yesterday I had an appointment with a ‘cancer counsellor’ in Swindon, about 25 minutes’ drive away. I didn’t want to burden Rich with having to drive me, so I decided to try managing without opiates for the morning so that I could drive myself. Breakfast was agony – the blister is still very painful, and the paracetamol and ibuprofen did not even take the edge off - but it meant I wasn't too tired to drive. After eating, the pain was bearable, which confirms that I still only really need the meds to enable me to eat.
The session with the counsellor went well, it was face-to-face which was a first since the pandemic. I was worried that one hour would be nowhere near enough to explain to a total stranger how exhausted I am, having spent twelve months battling to save my daughter’s life and then six months battling to save my own life. But it was helpful to have her perspective on how cancer changes you and what to expect through recovery and beyond. Having not driven for many weeks, I was so tired after the drive that I spent a much-needed hour on the sofa before the girls returned from school and the Halloween madness commenced!
The main reason I opted to keep my mask after treatment was so that we could put it outside for Halloween, as it very much lends itself to a creepy atmosphere. I’m glad it was reused, although I’m tempted to now take a hammer to it!
The burning in my throat is finally starting to subside. Having survived mostly on cake over the past few weeks, I am now really craving fresh fruit and fresh vegetables. Sadly, most fruit and veg still sting too much due to the acidity but I am trying to gradually reintroduce them when I can. I attempted avocado again this morning and the inferno returned to my throat, so that will be out for another few weeks. It feels very cruel that just as the throat pain is gradually starting to subside, so the lack of taste seems to be worsening. It could, of course, be that the taste was never there, but the pain was so intense I didn’t really notice. Food is highly unappealing when it has no taste, so I won’t be going out for any delicious dinners any time soon (sadly). Lily made me a most delicious hot chocolate in her velvetiser today - it didn't burn AND I could taste the sweetness, so at least something is right with the world!
I had been half expecting the right side of my neck (where the beams hit my skin) to start bubbling up once treatment had finished, as I have heard stories of this happening to other people. You think you have escaped lightly with no skin burns but, as radiation is the gift that keeps on giving, the burns can often appear weeks after treatment finishes. I am pleased to report that this has not happened to me (at least not yet!) and other than the comedy loss of hair at the nape of my neck, which thankfully can’t be seen because my hair covers my neck, my skin continues to look normal. Maybe all those days spent on a lounger in the sun (wearing SPF 50 of course) actually helped my skin on this occasion.
The mucus is still making a daily appearance, but it feels more like a moderate cold than anything more sinister so, again, in that regard I feel lucky. Three weeks later, I would ideally like to start seeing some of these things disappear completely and start to feel more like a ‘normal’ person. I know, though, that recovery can take a long time it is really important to focus on recuperation at this early stage. I continue to be very tired and no amount of sleep seems to be enough but, again, it is not as all-consuming as it was the first week after treatment, when I felt like I could fall asleep upright while walking through the woods.
I am desperate to start planning fun activities, outings and dinners, to have something to look forward to. Things that will cheer me up, make me feel better and also give me something to aim for in my recovery. At the same time, though, I feel very apprehensive about doing this, for so many reasons - my sense of taste is still awful, the blister is agony, and I’m too shattered to get up from the sofa most of the time. I certainly couldn’t manage an evening out any time soon (plus see point re taste above). To top it all, the lymph node in my neck is still palpable and, in the back of my mind, I am wondering whether there will be another surgery after Christmas if it continues to be a problem. I certainly hope not. Given the up-and-down nature of my symptoms through treatment and into recovery, I am still hoping it will settle soon. All of this makes me very reluctant to plan anything until I am feeling more consistently well. So more rest and recuperation it is.
It is a sad evening for me tonight as it is one year ago today that our gorgeous Ragdoll Lola was hit by a car outside our house and passed away. It happened in the thick of an already difficult time, and little did I know then how much worse was to come. She had been my shadow for 4.5 years and was like my therapy cat. She was always there when I needed her, she didn't ask any questions, and she rarely left my side, especially at night. I was absolutely distraught when the doorbell rang this time last year and I can honestly say that this pain lasted for more than six months. In fact, I was just starting to be able to think about her memory without getting upset, when cancer hit me. Thankfully we now have our three gorgeous pets who give us so much joy, but I will never forget my gorgeous girl and the amazing cuddles we used to have. I still miss her so much. Sleep tight precious Lola ❤️
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