Two days before my surgery. I am really starting to feel worried about it. Up until now it has felt like a distant activity, something that would happen in the future and nothing to worry about at that present time. Today, however, I am feeling the reality hit me. I am worried about the level of pain I will experience. I’m worried about being away from my family. I’m worried about the complications that might arise. I am worried about so many things. It’s not helped this morning that the cat has decided to eat a load of rubber matting from the garage and has been sick. So on top of everything else, I need to squeeze in a vet appointment in my schedule. I haven’t even packed yet. And the worst thing is I can’t get out of my head that this week I was meant to be packing to go on a girls’ trip to Palma with some of my good friends. Instead, I am packing to go into hospital to have a tumour removed from my throat. It just feels so cruel.
I think part of the challenge is that I have no idea what to expect after surgery. I am on a number of different groups online, helpful forums and blogs of people who have been through this experience and come out the other side. These people are really great at giving me hope for the future, they are also very good at showing me the reality of the journey ahead. I am definitely one of those people who would rather know what’s coming so that I can prepare myself mentally for it, rather than have a surprise on the day. But I don’t think anything can prepare you for what’s to come in a situation like this. There are so many potential complications that might arise from this, because we are talking about my throat, the thing you need every day - to breathe, to eat, to swallow, to taste, to speak - makes it all the harder to think about. I have made a great friend online who has been through the same thing though, and she is really helping me which is very reassuring.
I am probably I’m as prepared as I can be. Mentally that is. Now I just need to get physically prepared – starting with packing a bag. I hate packing for a sunny holiday and always leave it until the last minute, so I am in no hurry to pack for a hospital stay. I have images in my mind of Deborah James (aka Bowelbabe - RIP) and all her glamourous hospital snaps, in make up and heels and floaty skirts. But I don't have the energy or inclination for any of that so it's PJs and joggers for me. And really now it’s just a case of getting through the next two days, trying not to focus too much on what’s ahead, trying to enjoy my last two days of feeling normal and being pain-free before things become much harder. I am trying so hard to keep hope in the back of my mind throughout all of this. Hope that I am not the one who has complications. Hope that I am the one who gets through this and recovers quickly. Hope that I can tolerate and manage the pain throughout the recovery. Hope that I am not one of the 10% whose tonsil cancer comes back. Hope for a more positive future.
On the plus side, I feel like I’ve really made the most of this last week of what is effectively freedom from pain, and I’ve kept myself busy doing things that make me happy. A good friend popped over with an amazing goodie box full of lovely new PJs, books and other fab treats. I have been to a spa in the glorious sunshine, although disappointingly they wouldn’t do a spa treatment because they told me that massage increases the risk of spreading the cancer via the lymph nodes. It turns out, according to my consultant and Cancer Research UK, that this isn’t true so I’m a bit annoyed that I didn’t get to have a massage, but on the plus side I did get to lie by the pool in the glorious sunshine and relax for an afternoon, which was lovely. I’ve also been for a really lovely champagne breakfast with one of my very good friends, again sitting outside, and a lovely lunch outside in the sunshine by the river last week too. And then I also went out for an eight-course tasting menu at Lumiere in Cheltenham with Rich, which was really delicious and lovely to get out of the house – and out of my head - for a while.
Somehow I also, rather insanely, allowed S to have a big party at our house to celebrate the end of her Year 10 exams. We were so lucky that the weather was good on Friday, so they all sat out in the garden the whole evening and barely came into the house, meaning the party was a success and I could breathe again given the house wasn’t ruined! And finally we went out for a delicious Sunday roast yesterday for Father’s Day. I thoroughly enjoyed eating my Yorkshires and roasties as I may not be eating those for a while – again, it’s so funny how we take these things for granted, and then suddenly I may not be able to eat them anymore.
I hope to be able to look back on these positive memories through treatment, when things feel at their worst, and cherish the good times that I’ve had with all the special people who spent it with me over the last week. It’s these little moments that mean so much when you are facing cancer treatment, so a huge thank you to everyone who has helped me through it so far.
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