Palma, podcasts and pampering

Having opted for surgery a few days ago, I still don’t have a date. I’m told it’s highly likely to be next Weds 22^nd June. The day I was meant to be flying to Palma de Mallorca for a much-needed girls break, having not been for last 3 years due to Covid and other issues. Instead of getting on a plane with my friends for a sunshine-and-rose-fuelled mini break, I will be wheeled into an operating theatre where my mouth will be clamped open for 5 hours while TWO highly experienced surgeons manoeuvre a robot to cut out the tumour lurking behind my right tonsil. To be on the safe side, they will also take some of the tissue in my soft palate and the back of my tongue. This is called ‘clean margins’ – meaning any potential escaped cancer cells will also be removed. I can’t bear the thought of having my tongue cut, it brings me out in a cold sweat and makes me feel faint, so all I can do at this stage is quite literally block out the thought of it every time it pops into my head. 

When they have finished with the throat, they will start on my neck. They will perform a selective neck dissection, in which 3 levels of lymph nodes will be removed, again, to try to make sure it has all been removed. All of the images of neck dissections show huge Frankenstein-style scars going across the neck like a horror movie. Honestly, I’m trying so hard not to think about all of this as it makes me feel really queasy. I just hope it goes smoothly and the recovery isn’t too hard, although I suspect it will be far from a walk in the park.

I have been listening a lot to the podcast ‘You, Me and the Big C’ recently. A good friend started listening to it and suddenly seemed to know a whole lot about cancer and how I’m feeling, which I thought was just awesome, and much needed, when so many people really struggle to know what to say. So I decided to have a listen too, and I have to say, while it’s concerning that 2 of the 3 original presenters haven’t survived their cancer, it’s incredibly enlightening and informative, and really helps me to process some of the emotions I have been feeling. If anything, I feel ashamed that I didn’t listen to it before my diagnosis. So many people have this horrific disease and yet I didn’t even know the podcast existed until now. Given 1 in 2 of us will now have cancer in our lifetime, I highly recommend everyone listens to it if they can – when out for a walk, on the bus or in the car, having a morning coffee – it’s definitely a good way to understand how it feels to have cancer and how you can best support friends and family going through treatment for this awful disease (it's not a depressing podcast, it's rather like being in the pub with good friends and having a good chat).

I had my 4^th Covid jab today. Ordinarily I wouldn’t need it, because when I last checked I was neither 75 nor immunosuppressed. But sadly (and scarily) I am about to become just that (immunosuppressed, not 75), so I’ve had it early to hopefully avoid getting Covid over the coming months and just focus on combating the other more serious C-word instead.

On the plus side, with a whole week until surgery, and the weather being amazing this week, I have booked myself a half-day spa tomorrow at Lucknam Park. I need every bit of positivity I can get right now, and lying next to a pool, with a coffee and croissant, with the sun shining, before a nice massage, will be good tonic for me (sadly no gin with that tonic as I’ll be driving!). I can’t undo the cancer just yet, but I can make the most of this next week and fill it with things that make me happy. That said, I’m finding I’m so exhausted at the moment it’s a huge effort to even get out of bed in the morning, so not sure I will manage much else beyond my spa day, but at least the sun will be shining and I am alive.