A different sort of Sunday

When I opened my eyes this morning, for a millisecond, I felt like a normal person. A person not going through cancer treatment. As soon as I swallowed, the pain hit me and my reality brought me hurtling back to earth very quickly. For a while, I lay in bed trying to remember my life before it was turned upside down. What did I used to think of when I woke up? Probably just what I had to do that day, all of the tasks and chores that were ahead of me, as well as the fun things I might have had planned. Now I am consumed by everything cancer-related as soon as I wake up – the immediate thoughts like the pain, the meds, the treatment, the timings, as well as the longer term concerns about life and whether it will ever be truly ‘normal’ again. I wonder if I will ever wake up and not think about this time; I certainly hope so.

It is now almost 6 months since I first spotted the lump in my throat, and next Wednesday (28^th Sept) marks 5 months of being on the cancer pathway. Almost half a year living this hell. No wonder it feels so all-consuming. 

The challenge with cancer treatment being pretty much the only thing I have to focus on is that life has become so boring! Days that were once filled with fun things, social activities and nights out are now filled with medication schedules, pain relief and just surviving each day. Weekends that were previously full with social catch ups and delicious long lunches are now completely empty. I do actually feel well enough to be able to go out and do things, perhaps to meet friends for coffee, but the problem is that it all depends on where I am in my meds schedule. If I’ve just taken my medication, then I’m not in much pain, and that is usually when I feel physically able to see people. However, the challenge is that the same medication also make me feel drowsy and a sometimes a little bit nauseous too, so even though I am sufficiently pain-free to socialise, at the same time I’m generally too drowsy and glued to the sofa. I am also too drowsy to drive so I feel quite 'stuck' at home - I've been driving since I was 17 so I've never been stuck before!

This vicious circle is proving very challenging for me because I’m desperate to do something other than housework, dog walking and taking meds – not forgetting the big deal that is eating of course - but I just don’t have the energy. Certainly by the time the evening arrives, I even find talking quite an effort, so I quietly bob around the house from sofa to chair and back to sofa. I keep thinking I will start doing some sorting - the loft, a drawer or a cupboard - but it all feels like such an effort, not to mention even more BORING! I have to say this blog keeps me sane, helping me to articulate all of the thoughts whirring around in my head. 

I never thought I would say this, but thank goodness it’s Monday tomorrow and I can get out of the house and move forward with treatment. I can’t wait until I am writing that it is finally over – 12 sessions and counting. I know I then still have the dreaded 2 weeks afterwards to deal with (apparently it gets worse before it gets better as the radio keeps 'cooking' your insides), but at least I can stay in bed, knowing it’s over and the healing process is imminent. Must keep looking forward and stay positive!