It has now been one week and one day since my last radiotherapy session. I (sort of) tried to celebrate yesterday to mark the one-week point. It was a gorgeous sunny day, so I met a friend for a coffee in town, followed by a walk with the dogs around the park. It was so lovely to get outside, feel the sun on my skin and enjoy a drink that was not prepared in my own kitchen. I even tried a blueberry muffin, and managed at least half of it as long as I chased every mouthful with water. It is strange how self-conscious I felt, though, eating and drinking in public for the first time since treatment. At home, if something burns, I can shout or groan and throw away the offending item, and usually just make myself a new, less painful version, probably after a quick lie down to recover. In a café or restaurant, I obviously can’t do this, so it was quite nerve-wracking to try it. I am pleased to say it went well, so that was quite an achievement.
I had walked into town and back again, as well as the park walk with the dog, so I was pretty tired by the time I arrived home, but it was too late to nap as the girls got home from school shortly after. I had a really nice day, but I paid the price today. The combination of the long walk, the angst about the coffee and the lack of afternoon snooze really wiped me out and I have struggled to function today. This will be quite hard to believe, but I was even more tired than usual! It doesn’t seem to matter how much I sleep at the moment, it’s just not enough. There may be a Guinness world record coming up if I continue this way.
Other than the tiredness, which seems to be constant, most of the other side-effects are still very intermittent, as they were through treatment too. I can feel pretty well one day, but awful the next. I can’t say I have yet seen any actual signs of ‘recovery’ in the past 8 days, but I guess it is still early and hopefully some of the symptoms will start to ease soon.
In the meantime, I’m continuing with my TV bonanza. Bake Off last night was incredibly difficult to watch. I wouldn’t say apple cake is a favourite of mine, but I desperately wanted some after watching last night’s show! So much so, that I almost made one today, but that required energy, which I don’t have, so I settled for a shop-bought crumble with custard instead (but couldn’t eat the fruit as it burned, so I basically ate the crumbly part – still nice, sort of, because I can only partially taste it).
It's a good job I've got this one to keep me company on the sofa every afternoon and evening - he is living his very best life!
The burning in my throat hasn’t subsided at all yet. I think that is the part I am most looking forward to easing, so that I can eat a wider variety of foods again, and so that I can start to reduce the amount of morphine and codeine I am taking.
Nose bleeds have also been on and off. Thankfully off again today so that saved a lot of toilet paper this morning. Mucus is also inconsistent. Some days it is awful and I am grunting and coughing like a 90 year old who has smoked for life, coughing up blood and phlegm and sometimes things that seem to resemble internal body parts. Other days I barely notice it. The dizziness, however, seems to be pretty constant, so I will definitely be raising this with my oncologist on Friday. I can’t stand up at all anymore without everything going black, even if I have a tummy full of food and am well-hydrated.
I haven’t even started to think about trying to deal with the emotional aspects of all of this. All I can think at the moment is that I am bored, so bored, but I don’t have the energy to do anything or go anywhere. Even a coffee in town tipped me over the edge! I am hoping this coming week might see some signs of progress, but I was warned that it could be a few more weeks of things staying the same, or even getting worse, before they get better. This is so hard to process mentally – after going through surgery and all that recovery entailed, then the 6 weeks of gruelling treatment – I just want to start moving forward, even tiny steps in the right direction. Maybe for this week it’s the nosebleeds, so I’ll take that, and hope for something else next week.
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