It has now been five days since I finished my treatment. That time has mostly passed in a fog, each day blending seamlessly into the next, time punctuated only by my medication schedule. The only distinction I currently have between a weekday and a weekend is that the girls are off school on a weekend but, with half term rapidly approaching, they will soon be off school for 11 days. During this time, I suspect the blurriness will become increasingly worse. It is amazing how easy it is to fill a day doing, well, not very much at all. Previously, I would have been awake/out of bed for the best part of 16 or 17 hours each day; now it’s amazing if I manage to be out of bed for 12 hours.
What is also amazing is that I seem to be able to find things to write about even when I have nothing to write about. I started thinking about this post as I sat down at my computer and immediately thought I have nothing to say, because I have done nothing remotely exciting. I have managed to watch a disproportionate number of TV shows with the theme of a murder resulting from an extramarital affair. I haven’t consciously chosen this topic, however, there seem to be a lot of them available and I can’t resist a good drama. They also pass the time very easily without any brain power required. So far I have watched The Secret with James Nesbitt and this week, Candy, which involved an axe murder so was pretty gory in parts.
I am still managing to take the dog for a walk every day and I’ve been lucky that the weather has been mostly fine, even sunny at times. Autumn is now in full swing, and the woods are an array of beautiful colours, ranging from bright reds, yellows and oranges, to browns and some remaining greens. I know I shouldn’t consider my treatment in terms of timing, but I can’t help thinking it has worked out well (if there can be such a thing), as we are now in autumn, the leaves are falling from the trees, the temperature is dropping and the days are drawing in and getting darker - a perfect time to hibernate! Whereas in summer I would resent being indoors and sleeping a lot, at this time of year it feels okay, even right that I should be hunkering down and getting myself into recovery mode through the winter. I hope to emerge from all of this in the spring like a new butterfly, having left the cocoon of cancer behind.
That said, I am already thinking ahead to the coming months - the run-up to Christmas - and what I might be able to do in that time to cheer myself up. I would love to get to London to catch up with friends, enjoy some lunches out and maybe see a show. See more of my family who I haven't seen in ages. Finally have those long overdue spa weekends with my good friends. Coffees, long dog walks (thanks so much for the book Helen!) and cheeky glasses of champagne with friends locally. Unfortunately, I can’t really plan anything at the moment because I don’t know how long it will take before I feel well enough to do these things again. For some people, recovery takes a few weeks, and for others it can take a lot longer. As far as I can tell, from speaking to those have been through this, it really is very up-and-down, so one week I could be feeling fine and the next week the fatigue could come back and hit me with a vengeance. This makes things very hard to plan – although I have no doubt I will find a way somehow!
In terms of symptoms, I haven’t seen any significant changes over past five days, other than the dizziness which continues along with the nausea and fatigue. I am wondering if the dizziness could be due to low blood pressure, so I will ask my oncologist about this when I meet with her on Friday. The pain remains the same, as does the mucus and dry mouth. The positive side of this, of course, is that I haven’t got any worse (yet!). Although I have reverted to cheese soufflés and rice puddings rather than more challenging food after the pain I had following the fish supper on Friday. Rich cooked a delicious-looking paella for dinner tonight. I tried the rice and peas, but sadly the chicken and chorizo are still a step too far. He washed it down with a large glass of Bordeaux red, and all I could do was have a good inhale - it conjured up happy memories of wintery Sundays, in front of the fire, after a nice roast. I will add that to my list of things to look forward to.
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