Unproductive!

Three mornings have now passed since radiotherapy stopped. The first morning I couldn’t sleep late because our cleaner comes early on Wednesday morning and I also had a meeting with a psychologist from the hospital. Yesterday and today, however, I have managed to stay in bed until around 10am, then got up and walked the dog, before coming home to a lazy afternoon on the sofa with a cheeky snooze thrown in. Wednesday afternoon I managed a mammoth almost-three-hour nap, but yesterday was only half an hour, because I was woken up by the girls getting home from school and Lily demanding that I wash her hoodie ahead of non-uniform day today. Gotta love the notice they give you for these things.

I was warned that things would get worse in the weeks after treatment finished. I took this to mean the pain would get worse, but actually, so far, it seems to be not just the pain that is worse, but I seem to be getting new symptoms too. For example, I have now started to feel dizzy, particularly when I stand up from sitting or lying, which makes it hard to be upright for more than a few minutes. The mucus is now coming thick and fast, so I need to spit quite frequently, and my throat is more sore than it has been to date, even after I have taken meds. On the plus side, my nosebleeds seem to be easing up and there’s no longer blood dripping from my nose constantly.

The strange thing is that since I’m no longer going to Oxford every day and therefore have more time on my hands, my brain is telling me I should be doing something productive. I desperately want to start pottering around the house, sorting out drawers and cupboards, cleaning rooms, anything to keep busy – but my body is telling me otherwise and I have zero energy. I was meant to go for a coffee today with a good friend, but I had to postpone it because I felt too dizzy and tired.

On the one hand, I am fully embracing this new 'doing nothing' lifestyle. It has been a very long time since I’ve had the luxury of being at home with nothing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I have a to-do list as long as my arm, and a million things I could be getting on with around the house, but none are urgent. So I am trying instead to ignore the need to be productive and instead prioritise my recovery. This is pretty hard for somebody who has grown up in an environment where productivity is celebrated and rewarded – we have been brought up to believe we can achieve whatever we want, so to stop trying feels wrong. Even when the children were tiny and I pottered around the house all day seemingly doing ‘nothing’ – babies are the best time-wasters - at least I could justify to myself that at the end of the day, I had kept a tiny brand-new human being alive. But this just feels so decadent, even though of course I know it’s not, and that it’s actually essential for my recovery.

After surgery, I had the good fortune to be able to watch two weeks of Wimbledon – the entire tournament. Every day at 1:30pm, I lay down on the sofa, switched on the TV and watched the tennis for the whole afternoon. I didn’t feel even a tiny bit guilty because it’s something I’ve always wanted to do but have never been able to, because I have always been working. It’s a shame there’s no winter version of Wimbledon that I could tune into to get me through the next few weeks. I seem to have exhausted most of the series on Netflix, Prime, Disney+, Channel 4 and BBC iPlayer, so if you have any good recommendations please let me know! Thanks to everyone who has sent me movie recommendations too.

I am still taking most of my calories in shakes at the moment because eating is both painful and tiring, but I am trying to have some solid food for dinner. Tonight the girls had fish and chips from the local chip shop, so I tried a piece of fish with some mushy peas. The batter was a challenge and chips were a definite no-go, but I did manage the lovely white fish and peas, washed down with lots of water. I paid the price afterwards as it burned for hours, even after taking morphine. Lesson learned is that I’m probably not ready for normal food yet, but I am still glad I tried as it was so much nicer than a shake!

Looking ahead, I feel what has changed in the last few days, since treatment has finished, is that I am finally starting to realise that it is over. I can breathe again. It just didn’t feel real at first, and it almost felt too scary to even acknowledge it, because it has all felt so long and difficult. I know it will all improve vastly when the pain starts to lift and I can eat normally again, although that is still at least a few weeks away. Small steps each day.