Week 6 - Day 26

Today has felt like an emotional rollercoaster. Nothing drastic or dreadful happened, but it seems my emotions are starting to go haywire now that I’m approaching the end of treatment. I’m finding even the smallest issues harder to deal with. It's as though I have been going through the motions physically to get through the gruelling treatment schedule, but I haven't allowed myself any emotional space to process what was happening, because that would have been too much on top of the physical aspect. But as treatment is coming to an end, those emotions are starting to sneak, unexpectedly, back into my daily life. I wasn't sure whether to post anything today given how much I resemble Eeyore, but I want to be honest, especially as this blog may be read by others who have been newly diagnosed and want to know what to expect. So it's warts and all I'm afraid! 

To start with, I had yet another morning where my schedule was changed at the last minute. I had been told that my reflexology had been rescheduled to today, straight after my treatment. I arrived on time, but I wasn’t called until 20 minutes later, the time my reflexology was due to start. The radiographer said not to worry, the reflexologist would flex her time to accommodate me. After I had finished treatment, however, I was told there had been a double booking so my reflexology was cancelled. To a normal person, on a normal day, this would not have been an issue at all, but to me at that moment in time, it felt like a lot. I was too tired to complain and besides, there are people in the waiting room who are a lot worse off than me so I am happy to let them have the reflexology if it helps them. I just couldn’t help wondering why I was bumped, rather than someone else, especially as it wasn’t the first time. As I say, for ‘normal me’ this would not have mattered, but I just find it so unsettling when they keep changing things. It takes so much effort and courage to psych myself up to get through each day so keeping to the schedule feels important.

I did manage to invite Kenny and Dolly into the treatment room today though and when it finished, The Gambler came on afterwards so I had a little private karaoke session in my mind (I think everyone would prefer it that way in future too!). Even that didn’t really cheer me up today though. I am just having one of those days where I feel fed up. I am fed up of the long car journeys, fed up of the waiting room, fed up of seeing the inside of my eyelids for hours every morning (I close my eyes in the car on my way to treatment, I close my eyes in the treatment room, then I close my eyes again on the way home). I am even fed up of listening to music. I couldn’t find anything appealing to listen to on the way home. I ended up putting on some classical music (I settled on Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata) and fell asleep for much of the journey. I’m also fed up of being so tired!

I was tempted to have a meal replacement shake for lunch today because eating now feels like the most enormous effort. Nothing tastes good, the textures are all wrong and it hurts. I was concerned that resorting to a liquid lunch – sadly not the fun champagne-fuelled kind - might just compound my feeling so jaded, so I forced myself to try some mushroom ravioli. I had to coat them in olive oil and parmesan to give them an inkling of taste and help me to swallow them. I did not remotely enjoy any of it. I also ate the remaining scone with more clotted cream, and the cats are now my best friends forever because I was more than happy to offload some of the cream into their little mouths. 

Pain has become slightly worse today, exacerbated by a nasty blister under my tongue. Think new shoe blister, only in your mouth. Saliva is definitely deserting me and I am constantly thirsty (also hungry and tired, see above). The mucus is increasing but still no spit bucket needed. It’s also an effort to fully open my jaw now so I need to remember to do my exercises more often. It is definitely getting hard and there is worse to come, but tomorrow is another day and hopefully it will be a more positive one.