It is over! Treatment has now finished. My first ‘official’ confirmation of cancer was early May, so I have spent the last five months waiting for this day; thinking about how to get through it in one piece without having a breakdown. During this time – through both surgery and radiotherapy - my life has been on hold, with the focus of each day being on the next test, scan or hospital visit, or perhaps waiting for results and next steps. After all of that, it would be reasonable to expect that today I would be feeling super happy, elated and relieved. Strangely, I feel none of those things. I feel the same as I did yesterday. I suspect (hope) that the relief will come in time, but as nothing has technically changed and my pain and exhaustion levels are the same, I suppose today wouldn’t really feel any different. I also suspect the reality hasn’t yet hit me properly, but that will come in the next week or so. All that said, I no longer have to deal with daily long journeys, stinky drivers or the horrid mask. Hoorah. There are definitely positives to be celebrated.
It was very hard to get up this morning. I didn’t sleep well as I kept dreaming about being pinned down in the mask. At this stage of treatment, I should be able to give Princess Aurora a run for her money in the sleep department, but last night my mind was just too active. I had the nice older gentleman drive me today. No aroma in the car thankfully, but he is the one who always asks me directions, then proceeds to take the slowest route and I end up late. No surprise, the same thing happened today so I missed the first half of my reflexology appointment. After the last two were cancelled last week, this was quite disappointing, but I managed 30 minutes so it wasn’t so bad.
I went straight in for my final radiation session afterwards. Music choice for my final day was ‘My Way’ by the big man himself, Frank Sinatra. The end is not just near, it has arrived! I actually opened my eyes for most of the treatment, taking in every last detail just so I could happily forget it all as soon as I had left. Boy was I happy to see the last of that green light staring at me. I plucked up the courage to ask my question that I have pondered since day 1, namely, would it be possible to physically break out of the mask once bolted down? The answer was yes, but it would take a heck of a lot of strength. I'm still glad I waited until the last day to ask this. I took a tub of Celebrations chocolates to say thank you to the radiographers, then I practically sprinted out of the door, holding my friend-foe the mask, with a plan to hang it outside our door for Halloween. The two of us sat in silence for the journey home (the mask and me, not the driver).
Towards the end of last week, I had felt quite emotional thinking about today. I had thought that since I had mostly kept my emotions at bay to get through treatment, that it would all come flooding out. I thought I might feel sad about saying goodbye to the team who have looked after me. I thought I might feel overwhelmed at the prospect of it being over. I felt none of those things; I just felt oddly numb. My eyes were as dry as dust. The only thing I felt was a desperate need to escape the hospital, get in the car and go home. On my way out, the receptionist asked if I had anything nice planned to celebrate. Maybe a double milkshake?!
I took the dog out in the woods when I got in, which was lovely because the sun was out and it was a glorious day to be outside. When I got home, I took my meds, had a shake and then collapsed on the sofa for the afternoon with the pets. Oscar (the dog) does not like the mask at all. He wouldn’t stop barking at it and I can’t say I blame him. I did manage to get a photo of Lily modelling it though!
By the evening, I had had enough of liquid food, so I pushed the boat out and tried dipping some warm ciabatta in a 3-cheese bake. It was surprisingly okay, so I went a step further and had rhubarb crumble and custard for pudding. I could only really manage the stewed fruit, but it’s the first fruit my body has experienced in weeks so it is probably doing somersaults inside. It was disappointing not to be able to taste any of it, but as long as it’s not meat I can cope with the guesswork of taste. As soon as the meds start to wear off though, the pain kicks in again and that’s the end of food for the day. Still, I am really happy to be able to say I managed some solid(ish) food on my final day of treatment. I actually felt full for the first time in weeks!
I still feel I have been very fortunate to have escaped many of the serious side-effects this treatment usually brings. I don't have external skin burns, I have minimal hair loss, I am still eating and drinking and I don't have too much mucus. At the same time, I have severe mouth and throat burns, hardly any saliva or taste, nausea, a very dry throat and the worst fatigue I have ever experienced.
So that’s it. Treatment over. Now time for Bake Off again and then bed. I’m going to keep the blog going through recovery to track my progress - as I mentioned, I'm told the next two weeks will be the worst before I start to get better - so please keep checking in. I promise to make it about more than just my sleeping patterns 😉
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