Week 6 - Day 29

I set the alarm early this morning with the intention of taking the dog out for a walk before treatment, as I have been doing most days, but when it rudely awakened me at 6.45am I could not move. Every part of me felt like stone. I felt utterly exhausted, even though I had gone to sleep at 11pm. Seven or eight hours sleep wasn’t enough for student me and it’s clearly not enough for radiotherapy me either. A quick glimpse at the weather told me that the sun was coming out later in the day, but it was cloudy and rainy at that moment. This was enough to justify hitting snooze, so I went back to sleep and was rudely awakened for a second time 45 minutes later. Still, that’s half a blissful sleep cycle so I’ll take it. I decided to walk the dog later.

A quick bowl of soggy Rice Krispies and many meds and mouth rinses later, I was in the car for the penultimate day. The car journey was pretty unpleasant today. There was a stale smell in the car, despite the fact that it was pristine, that made me feel nauseous again. I wasn’t sure if I was being particularly sensitive or whether the aroma was real, but either way I asked the driver to crank up the air con so that it at least felt fresher in the car. He resembled a bouncer – bald, burly and brusque – and not a word was exchanged the entire journey, which is, of course, not a bad thing as conversation with strangers is also not top of my priority list, so a relief for both of us.

When I was sitting in the waiting room, a lady came out of the treatment room, relieved, it appeared, having had her final treatment. She was greeted by her two adult children who had been waiting for her. There was hugs and congratulations all round, and when asked what she had planned, she replied she was going for a lovely lunch and a glass of champagne. Oh what I would give to be able to go for a celebratory lunch tomorrow.

Music today was ‘The Greatest’ by Sia. Also known as ‘I got stamina’ which was why I chose it. I am definitely having to dig deep this week to keep going back to the hospital. I was even tempted to stay in bed this morning and just not bother with the last two appointments – I mean, surely all those micro cells have been eliminated by now?? - but I figured that wouldn’t be a wise move in case they said I had to start all over again.

The theme of exhaustion continued in the car on the way home – I slept – and again when I walked through the door. I hit the sofa and slept for almost three hours. I am like a newborn baby! Who knew it was possible to sleep this much?! The downside of that was I missed taking my meds and having lunch, so when I finally awoke I was in a lot of pain and absolutely ravenous. I have to wait about half an hour after taking meds before I can eat to allow them to take effect, and I couldn’t be bothered with the effort of actual food so I made a Complan chocolate shake, which I couldn’t taste but still burned, so it wasn’t hugely successful. It does have plenty of calories though, and I followed it with my new favourite pud – a Waitrose Caramel Panna Cotta. These beauties are quite small but pack in a lot of calories and I can even taste a little of the caramel – result! - plus they slide down easily. I did manage scrambled egg on toast for dinner as I'm keen to keep trying solid food. Couldn't taste a thing but it went down, along with a lot of water.

I continue to receive so many thoughtful messages and amazing gifts from my lovely friends and family, from beautiful clothing and pampering bath products to gorgeous candles and stunning flowers. I feel so lucky to have the best support group. I know it sounds so cliched but I really would be struggling now without all the amazing support I have received, so thank you all again.

And now, on to tomorrow. The final treatment. It sounds so exciting, and of course I cannot wait to be free of the long journeys, stinky cars, annoying drivers and the horrid mask, but the unfortunate reality is that things are set to get worse, not better, over the coming weeks. I have known this from the start, so I am braced for it, but it doesn’t make it any easier. According to the NHS:

“Pain and soreness resulting from radiotherapy may continue for up to 8 weeks following treatment. This pain and soreness may worsen in the short term i.e. in the first 10 to 14 days, but will improve as the weeks progress.”

The cumulative effects of the radiation carries on working long after treatment ends, and the peak is apparently at around two weeks. My oncologist has told me the worst of it should be over within three weeks, but of course each person is different. So whilst tomorrow is a cause for celebration – maybe I will treat myself to a different flavour shake! – I’m not going to be popping corks anytime soon (too sad!). Right now I will be grateful if I can manage a Christmas glass of fizz!