I have removed the word ‘disco’ from the title as it no longer feels like a disco, although music has become a key focus of the sessions. Today’s choice of music was Adele. I can choose the first song, after which they just play other songs by that artiste, so I started with Take it Easy On Me (it felt appropriate), next came Hello, then When We Were Young. These kept me pretty well occupied for the 15 or so minutes I was being zapped. Music definitely gives me a focus and helps me not to think about the mask.
I have also tried really hard to change my attitude towards the mask. I have realised that I was thinking of it as the enemy. I was terrified of it, so much so that the mere thought of it resulted in a rising panic in my stomach and chest. So I gave myself a good talking to and am trying to see it as my friend - love thy enemy and all. Cancer is as much a mental battle as it is physical and it is so easy to become overwhelmed by it all, so the last thing I need is a panic-inducing mask on top of it all. So now my ‘friend’ the mask goes on and is there to help me, to focus the beams so that the cancer can be properly targeted. Yes, this monologic discussion goes on in my mind every day! I may need a psychiatric facility when the radiation finishes!
When I am bolted to the metal sheet, I usually keep my eyes closed for the duration of treatment, in case I start to panic. But I’m now starting to open my eyes a little, and what I see are 3 red lights and a green light. The room is mostly dark. And then the large Star Wars-type machine that moves up around me, like a planet orbiting the sun. Not sure if I would be the planet or the sun in this scenario, but it is pretty cold so probably the planet. I wish I could video it to share as it is a truly surreal experience, but sadly no one can come into the room while treatment is being administered (for obvious reasons).
I was lucky to have a 'Tuesday Treat’ today at the hospital too – my first ever reflexology session. Similar to the acupuncture, it was basically an opportunity to lie down in a dark room in peace and quiet, with a nice little foot massage thrown in. What’s not to like?!
Eating is becoming noticeably harder, but I am still managing meals and liquids at the moment. I need a lot more water to wash down food as it gets stuck quite quickly now. I was given a prescription for some mouth gel for the ulcer and a new tube of Flamigel, which I put on my skin around the radiated area 3 times a day to try to minimise the impending skin burns. Seems to be fine so far but I am not sure when this typically kicks in. My bedtime routine now requires a significant amount of time (Rich can’t believe it's possible that I need more time to faff in the bathroom than I did pre-cancer) – I need to do 2 mouth rinses, each a minimum of 45 minutes apart, brush with a soft brush using a special toothpaste for dry mouths, apply a layer of gel to my neck and take my anti-sickness meds and paracetamol, if needed. Thank goodness make up is no longer needed. Well, it probably is needed to avoid causing nightmares in small children, but thankfully it's not permitted under the mask. Just as well as I have enough 'personal admin' to think about at the moment!
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