The 'dreaded' week 3 - most people say things go downhill quite rapidly from around week 3 or 4 so I am now braced for the worst. Today I’ve been going through lots of different scenarios in my head about how much of the radiotherapy I have left to endure. I’ve sliced and diced it every way possible to try to come up with a view that feels shorter and more hopeful. I have counted how many Mondays I’ve got (4). I’ve counted how many Wednesdays I’ve got (3), because having started treatment on a Tuesday, I now have fewer Wednesdays than Mondays or Tuesdays – that’s a more promising way to view it for a start (me over analysing?! never!). Next Tuesday I will hit the halfway mark, which means from next Wednesday I will be counting down to the finish rather than counting up to the half way point - also something to look forward to. While I find it helpful to try to frame it in a way that feels manageable, sadly the bottom line is that I can’t mould time to suit my needs, nor can I change it so that I have fewer days left than I have already done. That time will come, but it’s not yet. 11 days done, 19 to go.
I’m also pleased to report that the new anti-sickness pills are really doing a great job. Not only are they stopping me from feeling sick, but I have found they also help me sleep too. Last night I took one before bed and, where I would normally toss and turn for hours on end thinking about cancer and therapy and other such thoughts that torment me in the middle of the night, last night I fell straight asleep and didn’t wake again until my alarm rudely went off. Result! I wonder if I can keep taking these after I finish treatment?! The downside is that they also make me feel a bit drowsy during the daytime so I spent a good chunk of this afternoon on the sofa, but that could also just be radiotherapy fatigue. It all blurs into one great big blob of rubbishness.
The mask part seems to be getting easier too, or at least, I am getting better at focusing my mind. Today’s music choice was Queen so I was rocking the mask to ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ followed by ‘Radio Gaga’ and hilariously ‘I Want to Break Free’ – made me chuckle as they were unbolting me for that one.
I am still managing to eat well, although rice was tricky this evening. I feel as though I have gone back to around 4 weeks post-surgery as my ability to eat is similar to that time. So far I definitely have not lost any weight, which is a very good thing, as every day that I manage to eat is a day further away from the feeding tube. If anything, I have probably gained weight because I am eating as though my life depends upon it – full meals with puddings and snacks in between. I am so afraid of losing my sense of taste that I feel obliged to eat everything I love now just in case I can’t taste it tomorrow! I don’t think that’s how I should be doing it, but it’s not doing any harm just yet. I might be in trouble if my sense of taste stays after all though!
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